I’m a Coward
Online dating is becoming a wide spread epidemic across the nation. From chat lines to free dating websites to specialized dating sites like BBW, casual encounters, or even race, religion specific sites. You can practically date from the convenience of your own living room or office. So in the case of my friend Miranda, who is raising a teenager and managing her own business, finding the time to meet people to date is quite time consuming which is what turned her to the BBW Persona Plus site to perhaps entertain the possibility of online dating . She is a beautiful, successful, intelligent, self reliant woman who happens to be a little on the fluffy side. Shortly after joining, the dating site sent her a man as a perspective match, whom we will call Bernard, he is 39 years old, 6ft 2’, and divorced, continuing his degree in education and also a bit on the heavy side himself. He just happened to lived in her local area, which piqued her curiosity, so she took a chance and sent him a “smile” through the website. Later that day he promptly smiled back at her via email, expressing his interest having looked at her picture, he shared his personal email address and his Y messenger name encouraging her to make contact so they could “get started getting to know one another”.
So for the next couple of weeks or so they emailed, and instant messaged back and forth constantly. He would send sweet emails that said “I’m thinking of you.’, or “I love looking at your picture”. Simple and sweet communication, just to say you are on my mind, which Miranda found very appealing at the time. Every night they would log on and chat for hours, learning about each other, their goals and Bernard being a man of course his sexual desires weaved their way into the conversations as well. It is not that Miranda does not have her own sexual desires, she does but she is a ”good girl” and takes sharing her body very seriously, she is selective and knows that she is not interested in being sexual outside the bounds of a monogamous relationship. That is very rare this day and age where everyone is “hooking up”. But Miranda has class, understands her worth and values herself. She knows that she is looking for someone worthy to be the man to unlock all of her sexual fantasies. When Bernard learned this about Miranda he told her “I am going to make a rule where we are concerned I will not have sex with you until you tell me you love me or we are in a committed relationship.” Miranda asked “Is this a rule in general for you or just pertaining to me? He responded “It is just pertaining to you; Once you give yourself to me, I want to know I can have you for a long time in the future. I never want you to think I just want sex with you.” In retrospect, this is where the manipulation began….this was where the first act of pretending to be genuine occurred.
About 4 weeks into knowing each other Bernard, asked her to an impromptu lunch date, feeling spontaneous Miranda agreed. Bernard was obviously very attracted to Miranda, although she is quite shy she could feel his eyes drinking her in as if he had been thirsty for some time. They held hands across the table smiled laughed and shared their first kiss.
One week after their first date Bernard during the middle of a conversation, began to demand to know what time line they would be entering the sexual aspect of this relationship. She explained that certainly not after one date (even though they had been chatting a month) perhaps when they had dated a bit more. His temperament was a bit erratic, and the next day she received an apology email, he explained that he had other issues making him agitated. However, he was concerned he was being strung along and just wanted to know Miranda wanted him as much as he has expressed he desired her. She explained that she is always genuine in her words and quite worth the patience it takes to acquire her for himself. In retrospect his temperament should have been the first red flag.
The phone calls, texting and emails all continued and soon enough they were embarking upon their 2nd date, a picnic. It was a beautiful day, in a park with a lake Miranda packed a picnic of wines fruit and cheeses. They cuddled .. kissed .. laughed and playfully fed each other, it was fun and romantic. By this time Miranda was beginning to think she is a woman in her early 40’s, dating a man exclusively for over a month now, why shouldn’t she consider giving into her desires. It was later that night she knew for sure she was ready to take the next step in the relationship the step he so longed for her to take. Later that night she received a text from him that read” I loved the company..I loved the picnic..and I think you are great”.
Life was good, Miranda has a successful business, an accomplished teenager that was graduating, and now a boyfriend to round out and fulfill the social, adult sexual part of her world. Miranda is a fiercely independent, intellectual woman, so she was not looking in any immediate nature for a “life-long partner” a “live in lover “or even to “fall in love” at this point. She was just looking for a monogamous boyfriend to explore her sexual desires with and spend a few days a week dating.
Seven weeks into their relationship, found them cuddled up together on his couch watching a movie. As they laid there for hours caressing and kissing, it was this night when he expressed to her that she is the only woman he has dated all year, and the only woman he wants. He looks deep in her in the eyes, and tells her “I have wanted you for so long”. As he holds her close to him he confesses that his fear is she is merely stringing him along, and does not truly want him. The longer they lay in each other’s arms and converse the more personal they became… this was their first taste of intimacy…. an appetizer ….just a sample of what they had yet to experience, because intimate experiences are always better after the initial time. Bernard, who often referred to Miranda as his throughout the evening, and to their experience as amazing, finally had found contentment in the knowledge that Miranda did in fact desire him and had shared herself with him.
The next morning Miranda awoke to find a sweet text message on her phone from Bernard. It immediately brought a smile to her face, they continued to text on and off during the day. In fact he suggested they spend part of the next weekend together, this time at her place. Many times over the next few days Bernard conveyed how he could not wait to see her again, longed to become intimate with her again and how he could not stop thinking of her. In fact they were happily texting on a Thursday morning, playfully, naughtily anticipating the weekend together as Bernard was on his way to work.
Shortly after he arrived at work …the text came.. “I might be moving again. To Sacramento. I just got a possible transfer” He was learning about it as he was texting her. She tried hard to deny the immediate pit in her stomach, but instinctually she knew this was not good for them. That evening in chat he told her he was contemplating it, that the job offer was lucrative and would be hard to say no too. She asked the question that seemed to be hanging above them…”If you move will this mean you will no longer be interested in “us”? To which he most definitely responded “No not at all. It will just be hard for us at first.” In Miranda’s mind she knew there were 3 options; for him to take the job and break up with her, for him to take the job and try to continue the relationship, and for him to not take the job at all. From this moment she knew any of the 3 options could come to be, she knew what she wanted but was prepared for the worst.
Bernard continued to tell her how he could not wait to see her on Saturday, and how he had not made any decisions about the offer. He wanted to talk to her face to face, spend time with her and ultimately discuss what would come to be his final decision, he would have to render on Monday morning. On Saturday evening Miranda received a phone call from Bernard, stating he had been in the ER, regarding a work related injury that occurred earlier in the day, and would be unable to see her. He again continued to stress how important it was for him to see her and talk to her, insisting he had still made no final decision regarding them or the job offer. He suggested seeing each other on Sunday. He told her, “I miss you baby, I want to spend time with you” as he had so many times before. When Miranda hung up the phone….she knew, that his words were transparent and deceptive, but she just wanted to believe for a minute he was in fact being genuine, decent and truthful about his feelings. After all she had opened the door on several occasions for him to say …long distance relationships are difficult at best……maybe this isn’t our time with the new job…..maybe we should agree to see other people but continue to email and see where it leads?
Instead Bernard chose to mislead Miranda to believe, that his investment in the relationship had not been altered by the job offer. So she waited for Bernard to get off work so they could sit down like mature adults and determine; if he was moving, and how it would affect them. Half way through the day Miranda noticed she had been sent an email from Bernard.
As Miranda read this atrocious goodbye email entitled “I’m a Coward” she was amazed at the lack of his true moral depth, at how spiteful and merciless his words were. It was as if she was reading an email from a man she had never met. He wrote “I have tried several times over the last month or two, to end this situation for one reason or another and the bottom line is even though I think you are great, you are not the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and I don’t see myself falling in love with you. If it comes off mean it is not meant to, but I want to move on with my life without you in it. Thank you for your kindness but I won’t be calling you again. Good luck in your future Bernard.”
Miranda completely stunned, pondered at what time did he try to “end this situation”, was it when he sent her an apology email for his erratic temper, and told her he was afraid of losing her? Or maybe it was the daily texts to her about how much he was thinking about her? Seriously, Bernard spent 7 weeks , trying to convince Miranda of his sincerity, filling her head with things like, ,”You are the only woman I want , the only woman I have dated all year.” “I really like you a lot; I have not been this interested in a woman for a long time.” And last but not least “I crave you.” All spoken like a man trying to “end this situation.” Right? Perhaps far worse than the untruth and intentional cruelty of the words in his egocentric email is how it in fact completely underestimates Miranda’s intelligence. Does he think she could not recognize that a conscious choice to be mean and heartless is the true definition of a coward?
In this moment Miranda knew ….the decision to move had been made, she was no longer a asset to his life but had transitioned to become what was now a liability, enabling him to so ruthlessly dismiss her.
An honorable man would know that he is responsible for the lasting impression he leaves upon the people’s lives he touches. The man he is becomes the legacy he leaves behind.
So is it that Miranda is not a good judge of character or it is that Bernard has no character or integrity, therefore making it easier for him to be a master of manipulation? It is not difficult to commit unconscionable acts against one who genuinely cares about you if in fact you have no conscience to answer too.