The Writings of Phoenix

      Who would have thought entering back into the dating world would be so complicated.  It’s like the game of football, opposite teams, strategic moves, lots of rules to follow and each team has their own goal to achieve. Oh and don’t forget the play by play, post- date recap session that takes place with their  team mates, after they  get home from the date/ game. This started me thinking, there are playbooks and rule books for football, perhaps some dating play books and rule books would be helpful.  Which in turn made me realize that men understand the rules and plays in football. So if we devise a playbook/ rule book for dating based off of football, would men then have a better understanding of dating? If we want to know more about how men operate, should we steal their playbook? After stealing their play/rule book, if we understand the plays would we then be able to out maneuver them on the playing field?

The following is a dating play/rule book based off of the rules of football.

Bump and Run in football it is a technique used by the defensive backs to slow down a receiver’s ability to get off the line of scrimmage. In dating bump and run is a technique used to get someone’s attention in a bar, bump into them accidently, flirt a little and see if they flirt back, if not then run.

Completed pass in football is when a forward pass is caught by an eligible receiver, who has control and possession of the football with both feet in bounds. In dating, a completed pass is when the pass you make is, received enthusiastically and reciprocated by a mutually interested party.

Defensive tackle in football is a defensive player who lines up on the interior of the defensive line. In dating a defensive tackle is when we are being held in an offensive hold and have to tackle the guy to the ground to defend ourselves. (See offensive hold)

Excessive Timeouts in football means calling for a time out after the 3 allotted have been used up. In dating, women call excessive time out when things are getting too heated too quickly. Women are not limited to only 3time outs.

False start in football is an infraction in which an offensive player moves before the ball is snapped. In dating a false start is when a guy gets things all hot and steamy between the two of you, then does not rise to the occasion.

Face Masking in football is a foul for grabbing an opponent’s face mask. In dating it is a foul for kissing another person’s face (non- platonically) that is not your partner. 

Goal line in football is the line on each end of the field that separates the end zone from the rest of the playing field. In dating I believe it is the waist line and getting below the waist line is the intended goal.

Hail Mary in football is an offensive play where the quarter back throws the ball up in the air without really targeting any particular receiver, hoping someone on his team catches it. In dating Hail Mary is when you take out your rosary and pray (Hail Mary mother full of grace…..) that the person you are interested in is interested in you too. This way you do not have to throw yourself up in the air and hope an interested member of the opposite team catches you.

Interception in football is a pass that is caught by a defensive player giving his team possession of the ball. In dating an interception is when the guy is making his move and she is redirecting his hands.

Incomplete pass in football is a forward pass that touches the ground before being caught or that is caught while the player is out of bounds. In dating an incomplete pass is when you make a pass at someone that is not interested.

Kicking an opponent in football is an illegal act in which a player kneels on or kicks a member of another team. In dating kicking an opponent is an act of kicking someone of the opposite team that is stalking, annoying or frustrating you to the point of kicking them. Could also be called assault and is more than likely illegal as well.

Man in Motion in football is an offensive player who runs behind the line of scrimmage and parallel to it, as the quarterback calls the signals. In dating a man in motion is what we call a hot man with all the right moves on the dance floor or in the bedroom.

Nickel back in football is an extra defensive back that is used mostly in obvious passing situations. In dating, Nickel back means where are they playing and how can I get a seat on Chad Kroger’s lap?

Offensive holding in football is a foul in which an offensive player keeps a defender from advancing by grasping him with his hands or arms. In dating offensive holding is when a guy is holding us in a manner to allow his hands to be offensive and may prompt us to use defensive tackling. (See defensive tackle)

Pump fake in football is a move the quarterback uses to deceive the defense by moving his arm in a throwing motion in the direction of the receiver, but holding onto the ball and drawing it back to throw in another direction or area of the field. In dating a pump fake is when during sex he is too tired to keep going, so he tries to fake it.

Quarterback sneak in football is an offensive play where the quarterback receives the snap from center and immediately runs or jumps forward. In dating the quarterback sneak is when he lures her into a game of quarters in the hopes of getting her drunk and sneaking her off to bed.

Roughing the passer in football is flagrantly running into or hitting the quarterback after the ball has been released. In dating roughing the passer is when an obnoxious guy will not stop making passes at you and you have to knock him down to get him to stop.

Sack in football is any tackle of the quarterback behind the line of scrimmage. In dating sacking is any tackle behind the bedroom door that results in you both ending up in the sack.

Two minute warning in football is an official’s timeout at the end of each half that signals just two minutes remain. In dating a two minute warning as in two minutes then sex is going to be over, so hurry up or get left behind.

Too many men on the field in football means having more than 11 men on the field during a play. In dating there is no such thing as too many men on the playing field, the more the better, gives us more variety.

Third and long in football is  a situation in which a team finds themselves forced to run a third-down play in which they need to gain considerable yardage to get a first down. Third and long is usually considered anything over six or seven yards. In dating anything over 7 or 8 inches would be considered long.

Unnecessary roughness in football is an illegal play where a player, in the judgment of the officials, uses tactics that are above and beyond what is necessary to block or tackle another player. In dating unnecessary roughness is when things start to get heated and passionate during sex, hair gets pulled, and spankings occur.

Veer in football is a quick hitting run in which the ball is handed to a running back whose routes are determined by the slant of the defensive line men. In dating veer is how you navigate through the clubs, choosing you route and how to maneuver through the men, while getting your ass pinched as little as possible.

X’s and O’s are used in football to differentiate between the defensive and offensive players in a diagram. X’s and O’s in dating are hugs and kisses.